Welcome to the first Hook Me Harder segment. I’m inviting romance authors to submit the first 500 words of their WIPs for me to critique. Anne Kane has volunteered to be our first victim….er…volunteer. Her story Fury is the first in a new PNR series. Here’s how the critique is going to work: I’m going to post the original 500. Then the suggestions I’ve made. And finally the revised version.
Here we go!
Yurik stumbled to a halt in front of the store, his lungs burning as he sucked in huge gulps of air. How had things gotten out of hand so fast? In the distance, the eerie baying of the hellhound sent shivers of horror down his spine. The sound echoed through the twisted lanes and alleys of the Old Town making it feel like it came at him from all directions. She was getting closer, and nothing he’d done had shaken the cursed hellhound from his trail. He was fast running out options.
Hellhounds did not just decide to chase someone, they had to be pointed at a target, and he knew who was responsible for his current predicament. Kali. She’d been so young and so deliciously innocent when he’d acquired her from her makeshift shelter in the alley. That high-pitched note of terror in her voice every night when he’d unlocked her cage to play with her had thrilled him during the endless days of her captivity.
And then she’d escaped.
He couldn’t believe that after everything he’d done to her, she still had enough spirit left to get up and run when he’d forgotten to lock her cage. A rookie mistake on his part, but too late to worry about that now. If he ever got his hands on that bitch again, she’d wish she’d never been born. Now there was a hellhound hot on his trail, and he had just one card left to play.
Pushing the door open, he stepped inside the darkened storefront.
***
Fury pointed her nose to the sky, letting out a howl of sheer frustration. She’d been so close she could taste the perverted scumbag’s fear in the very air she breathed, and now he was gone. He’d resorted to Tech Magic to cover his tracks, and that was the one thing guaranteed to drive her crazy.
Only inferiors resorted to Tech.
An unfortunate rat dashed across the road in front of her and she unleashed her pent-up aggression on the unsuspecting rodent. Her jaws snapping shut around its neck, she tore the creature to bloody shreds before it even had time to register the danger.
Blood dripping from her muzzle, she sat back on her haunches and considered her options. Guys like this scum not only enjoyed inflicting pain, they lived for it. With Kali safely ensconced in a safe house, he’d be on the hunt for a new victim. She needed to find him and take him down before he found one. Assholes like this never quit so long as they were alive. Absent mindedly, she flicked her tongue out to catch a red drop of blood before it hit the ground.
Much as it pained her to admit it, she needed a Tech Wizard. She was justifiably proud of being a full-blooded hellhound, able to track any prey using her own raw talent honed by Agency training. Like her parents before her, she’d chosen the path of the light, tracking down those that used their talents for evil. The worst of those used Tech Magic to enhance their abilities and allow them to ravage the human world.
Yurik stumbled to a halt in front of the store, his lungs burning as he sucked in huge gulps of air. How had things gotten out of hand so fast? In the distance, the eerie baying of the hellhound sent shivers of horror down his spine. The sound echoed through the twisted lanes and alleys of the Old Town making it feel like it came at him from all directions. She was getting closer, and nothing he’d done had shaken the cursed hellhound from his trail. He was fast running out options.
Cameron: I’m wondering if the store should be named.
Anne: Good idea, changed it up a bit
Cameron: I’m wondering if this (“In the distance…”)should start a new paragraph, making the previous sentence stand out a little more.
Anne: Definitely! Done
Cameron: I really like this description! (Referring to the sound echoing)
Hellhounds did not just decide to chase someone, they had to be pointed at a target, and he knew who was responsible for his current predicament. Kali. She’d been so young and so deliciously innocent when he’d acquired her from her makeshift shelter in the alley. That high-pitched note of terror in her voice every night when he’d unlocked her cage to play with her had thrilled him during the endless days of her captivity.
Cameron: This bit seems a bit off to me. Maybe it’s a little dense or wordy? Any chance you might want to revisit the beginning of this sentence?
Anne: Reworded this entire paragraph to make it clearer (Or less akward?). Reworded the above, and then started a new paragraph.
Cameron: Great word choice! (In reference to “acquired”)
Cameron: Oh, starting with the villain’s POV! YAY
And then she’d escaped.
Cameron: I wonder if “But” would be better than “And”
Anne: Changed.
He couldn’t believe that after everything he’d done to her, she still had enough spirit left to get up and run when he’d forgotten to lock her cage. A rookie mistake on his part, but too late to worry about that now. If he ever got his hands on that bitch again, she’d wish she’d never been born. Now there was a hellhound hot on his trail, and he had just one card left to play.
Cameron: This threw me a bit. Seems like he has a lot to lose if she got out. Would he make such a “rookie mistake” or is there another reason for the mistake?
Anne: Changed Rookie to careless. He got overconfident….
Pushing the door open, he stepped inside the darkened storefront.
Cameron: Or maybe name the store here?
Anne: Renamed it above. I’ll leave this as its.
***
Fury pointed her nose to the sky, letting out a howl of sheer frustration. She’d been so close she could taste the perverted scumbag’s fear in the very air she breathed, and now he was gone. He’d resorted to Tech Magic to cover his tracks, and that was the one thing guaranteed to drive her crazy.
Only inferiors resorted to Tech.
An unfortunate rat dashed across the road in front of her and she unleashed her pent-up aggression on the unsuspecting rodent. Her jaws snapping shut around its neck, she tore the creature to bloody shreds before it even had time to register the danger.
Blood dripping from her muzzle, she sat back on her haunches and considered her options. Guys like this scum not only enjoyed inflicting pain, they lived for it. With Kali safely ensconced in a safe house, he’d be on the hunt for a new victim. She needed to find him and take him down before he found one. Assholes like this never quit so long as they were alive. Absent mindedly, she flicked her tongue out to catch a red drop of blood before it hit the ground.
Cameron: You’ve got “safe” here twice.
Anne: Changed.
Cameron: Maybe something stronger than “one”….”before he found his next unsuspecting quarry/prey/target.”
Cameron: Maybe “him” or “Yurik” if she knows his name.
Anne: Put the name in
Cameron: Good detail! (Referring to the blood droplet)
Much as it pained her to admit it, she needed a Tech Wizard. She was justifiably proud of being a full-blooded hellhound, able to track any prey using her own raw talent honed by Agency training. Like her parents before her, she’d chosen the path of the light, tracking down those that used their talents for evil. The worst of those used Tech Magic to enhance their abilities and allow them to ravage the human world.
Cameron: This paragraph makes me want to know what happens next. Is the Tech Wizard the love interest?
Anne: Yes. Yes he is!
Yurik stumbled to a halt in front of the Antiques Emporiums, his lungs burning as he sucked in huge gulps of air. How had things gotten out of hand so fast?
In the distance, the eerie baying of the hellhound sent shivers of horror down his spine. The sound echoed through the twisted lanes and alleys of the Old Town making it feel like it came at him from all directions. She was getting closer, and nothing he’d done had shaken the cursed hellhound from his trail. He was fast running out options.
When a hellhound set out to hunt, they were relentless, focusing on their prey to the exclusion of everything else. There was no doubt in his mind that this particular hellhound was after his blood and he knew who was responsible for his current predicament.
Kali. She’d been so young and so deliciously innocent when he’d acquired her from her makeshift shelter in the alley. That high-pitched note of terror in her voice every night when he’d unlocked her cage to play with her had thrilled him during the endless days of her captivity.
But then she’d escaped.
He couldn’t believe that after everything he’d done to her, she still had enough spirit left to get up and run when he’d forgotten to lock her cage. A careless mistake on his part, but too late to worry about that now. If he ever got his hands on that bitch again, she’d wish she’d never been born. Now there was a hellhound hot on his trail, and he had just one card left to play.
Pushing the door open, he stepped inside the darkened storefront.
***
Fury pointed her nose to the sky, letting out a howl of sheer frustration. She’d been so close she could taste the perverted scumbag’s fear in the very air she breathed, and now he was gone. He’d resorted to Tech Magic to cover his tracks, and that was the one thing guaranteed to drive her crazy.
Only inferiors resorted to Tech.
An unfortunate rat dashed across the road in front of her and she unleashed her pent-up aggression on the unsuspecting rodent. Her jaws snapping shut around its neck, she tore the creature to bloody shreds before it even had time to register the danger.
Blood dripping from her muzzle, she sat back on her haunches and considered her options. Guys like this scum not only enjoyed inflicting pain, they lived for it. With Kali ensconced out of his reach in a safe house, he’d be on the hunt for a new victim. She needed to find him and take him down before he found a new target. Assholes like Yurik never quit so long as they were alive. Absent mindedly, she flicked her tongue out to catch a red drop of blood before it hit the ground.
Much as it pained her to admit it, she needed a Tech Wizard. She was justifiably proud of being a full-blooded hellhound, able to track any prey using her own raw talent honed by Agency training. Like her parents before her, she’d chosen the path of the light, tracking down those that used their talents for evil. The worst of those used Tech Magic to enhance their abilities and allow them to ravage the human world.
While we wait for Fury, check out:
CLAIMING CHLOE by Anne Kane
A standalone book but #4 in the Northern Rockies Pack series
He might not deserve her, but he didn’t plan to let that stop him.
Chloe: She’s young, passionate, independent. She’s just bought a coffee shop and has plans to make it the best place in town. While away from home learning how to make the best ever pastries for her new venture, she hooks up with a hot stranger for her first sensual experience. She doesn’t expect to ever see him again, certainly not in her new coffee shop.
Damon: He’s ex-military. Tough. Protecting others is his mission in life. He long ago gave up expecting to find a bond-mate. When he agrees to watch over his Navy SEAL buddy’s little sister, he doesn’t expect her to turn his world upside down. He’s too old for such a vibrant young woman, but the mate-bond is hard to ignore, even if he wanted to.
Amazon.com https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08R42C261/
Apple Books https://books.apple.com/us/book/claiming-chloe/id1545971877
Barnes & Noble https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/claiming-chloe-anne-kane/1138505527?
Kobo- https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/claiming-chloe
Draft to Digital https://books2read.com/u/bzgqXD
Teaser #1
He’d outmaneuvered her. She felt a grudging respect. He’d figured out her game and beat her to the punch line. Of course, she didn’t plan on letting him win quite that easily. Twisting sideways, she made a move to get to her feet.
He pounced on her, his superior weight pinning her to the ground.
She bared her teeth and growled.
He lowered his head and nuzzled her neck.
She glared at him, all of her teeth exposed.
He reacted by licking her muzzle.
Seriously, what was a girl to do? The guy’s charm was irresistible. She let her lips lower over her teeth and whined softly
Teaser #2
Chloe was too young for him. Much too young and much too innocent. By contrast, he might as well be a hundred years old. He’d seen things that he could never unsee. This last tour of duty had been the most brutal of his career, and the reason he’d left the service. The violence and destruction had been excessive, sickening even battle-hardened veterans. The distinction between civilians and combatants had blurred, and even if he wanted to, he couldn’t forget some of the horrific sights of that last few months.
And now, against all hope or expectation, his bond-mate appeared. as the understatement of the century.
Chloe deserved better than him, but he wasn’t a good enough werewolf to let her go.
